WARNING: locker room humor follows…

• Rock Hudson – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.
• Saddam Hussein – from one bunker into another.
• Yasser Arafat – butt-ugly and in the sand.
• John Kennedy Jr. – didn’t quite make it over the water.
• Rodney King – over-clubbed.
• O.J. – got away with one.
• Princess Grace – should have used a driver.
• Princess Di – shouldn’t have used a driver.
• Condom – safe, but didn’t feel very good.
• Brazilian – shaved the hole.
• Rush Limbaugh – way to the right and out of bounds.
• Keith Olbermann – see above, but for lefties.
• James Joyce – a putt that’s impossible to read.
• Ted Kennedy – goes in the water and jumps out.
• Pee Wee Herman – too much wrist.
• Sonny Bono – straight into the trees.
• Paris Hilton – a very expensive hole.
• Tiger Woods – wrong hole.
• Dubya – wrong course.

First, witness Phil Mickelson’s birdie putt on the par 5 #2 during the final round of the 2010 Masters:

Surely somewhere up on a gilded cloud a group of deities in plaid slacks was sharing a belly laugh!

And, just to show that these golf gods giveth as well as taketh away: eleven holes later…

Surely divine hands (with golfing gloves on the right) had to be involved, no?

What say you?

But there’s a limit.

I cheered for Tiger when he made great shots during this past Masters. I groaned in sympathy when his shots went awry, and said words of encouragement that I knew meant nothing but which made me feel like a proper fanboi. When the wheels seemed to be coming off his metaphorical wagon I felt badly for him and wanted him to pull it together and carry one of his famous last-ditch charges.

Then came the final round 14th. I can’t actually fault him for missing what should have been for him an easy birde putt: stuff happens. It’s what happened after that spoke volumes to me. Instead of pausing, re-grouping, gathering that famed steel focus and tapping in for par, he sulkily slapped the ball towards the hole with barely a pause, and turned in a bogey for a critical hole. On the final day. Of the Masters. When he was still theoretically in contention.

The kind of consummate professional whose performance can help me overlook his personal foibles does not put on little sulky tantrums on a national stage, nor discredit the prestige of a venue like the Masters with such a display. The CBS coverage all but ignored him after that, and good for them: why give Tiger more of a stage for such behavior?

Then on the 18th, with people who normally could be expected to jeer or just sit in stony silence instead offering him ovations, he achieved one of golf’s nicest feelings: a solid, well-played birdie on the big stage. Did he celebrate it, and what was (given his struggles) actually a damned good round? No, he just waved dismissively at the hole, like “so what?”

The “icing on the cake” for me was the mercifully brief post-round interview. Rather than gratitude for his reception after such damning revelations of his sordid behavior, rather than some Buddha-like acceptance of the fact that only someone with his gifts could turn in a top five performance at a major after five months away from the game, rather than owning up to the fact that his outbursts on the course (while certainly cleaner language-wise than in the past) shows his claimed spiritual centering needs work, he instead opted to whine that he didn’t win. Now he’s going to take his marbles and go home to sulk and decide when he’ll compete again.

I’m done.

Good on Phil for a virtuoso workshop in precision approach (if not outright trick) shooting, a hearty salute to “Westy” for hanging tough to the very end even when it seemed Mickelson could do no wrong, massive kudos to Choi for playing like a well-designed machine, and crazy props to Kim for showing the world that he’s growing up and into his promise as one of golf’s future greats. More kudos to others who covered themselves in glory this past week: Couples, Watson, Poulter, Barnes, and too many others to mention. It was a truly great event.

And that’s what I’m going to remember about this year’s Masters. Tiger who?

The Golf Digest Hot List is a Joke (And We’re Not Laughing) at Addicted2Golf

Step right up!

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

– author unknown

Hole 1: Fairly easy par 4. Trouble on the left is a row of trees backed by endless underbrush and scrub. If you pull or hook it you pray you didn’t go too far astray else your ball is gone, baby. There’s a bunker along the left edge at roughly 200 yards. On the right is fairly open, though a serious banana ball will find the same junk to get lost in, and there’s a stand of trees on the right just about the 200 yard point to trap the too-vigorous fade. My drive is a beauty, striped down the middle and just under 200 yards long. If I’d sliced it badly I was going to try keeping the driver in the bag and teeing up with my 3 wood for this round, but it earned some cred with that shot. Now about 140 out, I try hybrid but chunk it badly. Now just inside 100, my 8 iron goes wide and long (hit it thin), past the green and under trees to the right. I make a decent 7 iron punch shot and make the green. Fairly routine two-putt and I start with double bogey. Not too bad, I had a couple of bad shots in a row and recovered nicely, and the good drive was a nice start.

Hole 2: Almost a copy of the first hole, except it’s more open on the right and the front right of the green is guarded by a large bunker. I pull my drive hot and fast, and it streaks past the trees and into the crud beyond. We spend a couple of half-hearted minutes looking for it, then I take a drop. The ball is sitting up nicely so I pull out the 3 wood and aim left along the tree line, expecting some fade into the fairway proper. Nope. What I get is another chunky shot that squirts out right but rolls for more yardage than I deserved. At least I’m dead middle of the fairway now. I’m still about 170 out so I keep the 3 wood out; I make good contact and it flies straight, and almost makes it even with the green, though a little left (I was aiming for a fade). My chip on was a bit too strong, and I two-putt for a triple thanks to the lost ball. Ouch.

Hole 3: This is a 185-yard par 3, the only real challenge is the large bunker guarding the right half of the green. You can also find yourself mired among trees if you slice badly. I tee it up with my 3 wood and let fly. Nice! It rolls to a stop just short of the bunker, a little right of the green itself. Small problem, it’s nestled down into some tough, scrub-like stuff so I’m going to have trouble getting under the ball. I try a chip with my SW, face a little open, but the scrub kicks it up and it bounces into a scull over the green. Damn! The lie is better on the other side, regular grass, but I’m now gun-shy and fluff the come-backer so it only makes it halfway. After that great tee shot, I’m lying 3 and not even on the green yet. Argh! My next chip gets it on but I miss my first putt and end up with another triple. Not a good run, no sir.

Hole 4: This one is a lot like hole 2, except the bunker on the right of the green is farther back, almost behind the green. My tee shot is a weak push, barely 100 yards and under a tree in a huge bed of fallen leaves—at least I found it! I can’t take a full backswing with the branches hanging around me, so I use my 3 wood and punch it out into the fairway with some forward progress. Pretty decent return on my effort and now I’m about where a good drive would have taken me. I promptly slice hell out of my next 3 wood shot, well right and on the other side of the tree line though it did fly pretty far. I can only see the right fringe of the green and there are branches hanging all over the place in my way. I try a 7 iron punch shot, catch it wrong and it flies instead. I hear leaves catching at it and lose sight of where it went, but my buddies spot it landing to the right of the bunker. I made it through! A little luck never hurts. Alas, I fluff another chip, so it takes me a fifth shot to make the green, and I two-putt for my third triple in a row. This is getting annoying!

Hole 5: This is a medium par 5, about 450 yards. To the right is fairly open, though the usual tree line is there to trap the bad slicer. On the left from about 180 yards on is a large concrete area, remains of some old military flight line segment. It’s a free lift off the pavement but you don’t want to end up there and have to come back all that way. My tee shot is a nice one! Well over 200 yards and dead middle of the fairway. A real pick-me-up after the grief I’ve been having. I follow it up with a great 3 wood shot that flies nearly as far, landing well within 100 yards of the green (which is guarded by a large bunker in front of the entire right half) and on the left edge of the fairway. I have GIR thoughts in mind as I line up my short iron, so of course I hit it short and right and it drops into the bunker. I play my next shot like a traditional bunker splash, forgetting all the sand is going to be packed and damp. There’s no splash, just bounce, and the ball picks clean and flies well over the back of the green. My return chip is pretty good, but leaves me a long-ish putt for bogey. I drain it! The line just came to me and I hit it perfectly and in it dropped. Yes, finally a score to be pleased about!

Hole 6: The Number 1 handicap hole, a 430-yard par 4. This thing is my nemesis. There’s a tree just to the left that catches your ball if you stray (or aim left for a slice). The right is sort of open but the rough is thick and spotted with trees all over , and they choke in close closer to the green so you can’t get a clear shot at it. A large bunker cuts completely across the fairway about 120-ish from the green so there’s no way you can roll a second approach close: you have to fly it in. Last time I played this course, a few weeks ago, I carded a nine on this hole. Okay, off we go! My tee shot is just okay, maybe 170 yards and sliced more than I’d like, though not enough to get me behind the choke point. I’m sitting up well enough to try 3 wood, and hit it nicely, a bit of a fade around the trees and it rolls up not far from the bunker—a perfect lay up! I hit 8 iron for my approach shot, and clip it nicely, though a hair short and left, almost on the fringe. It’s too clumpy and thick for the Texas Wedge approach, so I take a 9 iron and tap it with a putting stroke, and it bumps-n-runs to inside 3 feet. Nice! I drain the bogey putt easily, and thus have I conquered my nemesis!

Hole 7: A short par 4, maybe 340 yards, but with a dog leg left and the whole left edge is OB. Lots of thick stuff to the right, and some trees dead ahead if your shot goes too long past the turn left. Again I stripe my tee shot. It flew dead straight and easily 250 yards (measured via GPS). One of my best ever, and I was actually afraid I’d put it into the trees beyond. Nope, I find it in perfect position for a wedge onto the green. What do I do? Duff the shot. Sigh. I regroup and put the next one on the green but too far for an easy one-putt. I lag it really close and tap in for bogey. Okay, I’ll take it!

Hole 8: The beer hole for this round. Loser buys the first go-round at the 19th hole. I have a long tradition of being the guy stuck with the tab after these. It’s a par 3 playing at 145 yards this time (the tees are a bit farther back than I’ve seen before, usually plays around 130). I tee up with my 4 iron (a hybrid, really, my irons are Hibore Xli) and let fly. Oh, yes. It flies straight and true, finds the center of the green and tears up a small circle, one hop and stop. To make it sweeter none of the other guys finds the green. I fuss with trying to fix the ball mark (it’s pretty deep) while they take their chips, then I try my hand at a birdie putt for a change. Long, slight downhill, right-to-left break. Alas, I leave it a tiny bit short but on a great line. Tap in for par, my mates both settle for bogeys and I’ll be drinking for free tonight!

Hole 9: Nice finishing hole. Another medium par 5, maybe 470 yards. The tee shot enjoys a very open vista, but your next shot has to navigate a tight choke point: trees on the left and a huge bunker on the right. The green itself has a bunker around the back left edge to trap your approach if you don’t stick it. My tee shot, if anything, is better than the one on number 7. I don’t know what I’m doing, but except for the pull and push shots my driver is doing me well today. I’m feeling pretty confident, and the left-hand trees covering my view of the green are begging to be cleared with a nice 3 wood shot. I go for it, but hit it fat and with a bit of a push. Still, it rolls great, clears the trees and comes to a stop just short of the big right-hand bunker. Another lucky break. I have a good lie, and a clear view of the green, about 110 out. I select 8 iron, clip it quite nicely, and this one lands on the center of the green and only rolls a bit past. GIR! My second birdie opp of the day, another long downhiller with right-to-left break. I give it a great attempt, just miss the hole right and have a gimme for par. Felt great to end on back-to-back pars, let me tell you!

Final score: 50. Those duffed shots loom large in failing to break fifty.

I think my tee shots are a strength, most go pretty straight and if I swing under control the slice is minimal. The pull and push shots were just lack of concentration, methinks, with sloppy swinging. I was also putting very well, in my mind, I didn’t have a single three-putt today and was lagging some tough ones really close. My biggest problem is still chunking shots fat, and that’s where I plan to work starting with my lesson after work today.

I picked our local muni, a Robert Trent Jones course named Valley View because the panorama lives up to the name. Here’s a link:

http://www.cityofutica.com/Entertainment/Attractions/Valley+View+Golf+Course.htm

In typical RTJ fashion there are numerous and massive elevation changes (the course goes all up and down a hillside) and the greens are generally severely contoured. Playing it is like a putting clinic, and it’s responsible for most of the improvements in my putting game (such as it is). The course slope is 118 and at par 72 it rates 69.2.

By the time I got there it was a little after 2:00 and the starter would only let me go out for 9 holes. Even this early in the afternoon up here the sun was already low in the sky, glinting off the grass tips and making finding your ball in the rough a dicey proposition (not even counting the fallen leaves everywhere). The course was practically empty, though, probably by virtue of the lousy weather forecast that had today suffering rain showers and maybe even some snow. They really blew that one!

I did a little stretching, mounted up and off I went.

Hole 1: This is a pretty straightforward par 4, 340 yards from the whites. The only real trouble is if you pull or hook it badly, there’s a road close by on the left and an intervening gulley that swallows balls. Given the thick leaves everywhere you really don’t want to go there–so of course the first thing I did was pull my drive right into the danger zone. I got lucky, it stopped in a nice level spot short of the gulley and I was able to find it with reasonable effort. Good lie, too. I didn’t have a view of the green, too many trees, so I fired up the 3 wood and gave it a good smack out in that general direction. I made good contact, only a slight fade, and ended up with a satisfactory lie just off the right of the fairway and inside the 100. My approach chip was left and a little short, leaving me a bit of a bump-and-run from the fringe. This is where I usually employ a 9 iron; I hit it a little strong and had a lengthy bogey putt ahead of me. I got a pretty good read on the contour and lagged it really close; tap-in for double bogey. Nothing special, an average hole for me.

Hole 2: This is the only par 5 on the front nine. It’s pretty much the same as hole 1, just longer (480 from the whites), with the same danger left and lots of trees around. This time I avoided pulling my drive, but sliced it instead. It took me a few minutes to find it in the rough and amid the leaves, but find it I did. I hit a couple of mediocre 3 wood shots, managing to keep them both in the fairway, and had a short (~70) chip approach for my 4th shot. Hit my gap wedge a little too strong and it rolled off the back edge of the green, but close enough to use the flat stick to get on in 5. Didn’t lag it close enough, alas, and had another 2-putt for a second double bogey. Still not too shabby, my goal at this stage of my game is still averaging double for the round. I’m content.

Hole 3: This is a ball breaker. Number 1 handicap hole, also called “cardiac hill.” Par 4, 394 from the whites. The tee box is extremely elevated, there’s a carry over a creek at about 130, and from there it slopes dramatically uphill again to an elevated green that you can’t even see until you’re right on it. Golf carts can’t usually get up the slope except by crisscrossing, and within about 70 yards you can’t take a cart up it at all, rather have to use the paved path up one side. Bogey on this hole is great, and for the ladies it’s listed as a par 5 (they have to use the same tees here). I tee it up, and let fly. It’s a beauty! Long, picture-perfect and straight, well over 220 yards (which for me is exciting). I’m now in the center of the fairway and about 175-ish from the green. I hit a pretty good 3 wood, but as happens with this hole it bounces into the hillside and rolls to a stop about 50 yards from the green, on a severe uphill lie. I fire up the PW, because there’s still so much elevation to gain and I know the lie will add loft. I hit it really nicely, and it arcs up and out of sight, but on a line that tells me I probably made the green. I find it on the green, all right, but well left as the slope drained it that way. Long putt left with several contours to navigate. To make a long story short I 3-putt for yet another double. It’s okay, I tell myself, I got on the green in 3 which ties my personal best for this hole. I’ll take the six!

Hole 4: One of my un-favorites. It stretches across the side of the hill, so everything drains severely right, downhill and then over a ledge into no-man’s-land. You simply do not want to be too right on this hole, ever. It’s just at 400 from the whites, and there are bunkers guarding the left of the green which drops off steeply on the right edge. What do I do? I slice my drive. Sigh. I arrive at the last place I saw it, and am rewarded with a gift: it clipped a branch on the way down (the broken-off branch was there as mute evidence) which caused it to drop straight down. It’s playable and even with a good lie. Thank you, golfing gods! I play my 3 wood left of the green to allow for the inevitable right drift and roll, and it drops nicely near the left edge of the green, maybe 30 yards out. Here’s where my short game deserted me: My chip is too strong, off the back of the green. My come-backer is also too strong, and I have a long bogey putt which I just miss. Another double. At least I’m consistent!

Hole 5: This is a fairly easy hole, until you get to the green. It’s a dogleg right, 370 yards, but the green slopes all over the place and drains off into several directions at once, or so it seems. I have witnessed many a four-putt here from pretty good golfers. I tee it up, and slice my driver yet again, but not too badly. I have a decent lie but I still have the turn to negotiate and I’m on the wrong side of the fairway to have a look at the green. I select a 9 iron and punch it towards the 100 yard marker, which I can just see around the intervening trees. It’s a beauty of a shot, even a bit of a fade, and settles nicely past the 100 marker and then rolls even closer. I’m loving it! With about 70 yards to the green I decide to try my SW and see if I can stick it—which I do! It went a little long, but damned if I didn’t stick it. My par putt stops short, alas (I had a downhill putt and was afraid of draining it off the green again) but I’m left with a tap-in. My first bogey of the day!

Hole 6: This is the only par 3 on the front nine. It’s also the second-easiest hole on the course, supposedly. It normally plays 130-ish from the whites, with a huge steep bunker guarding the left side of the green, and a green that starts with a high hill on the right and then drains severely left and back. If you’re long here you end up off the rear/left edge, the only way to get it close is stick it or drop it front/right and let it dribble in. Today the whites are way back and right, right up with the tips. Odd, it’s the first time I’ve seen them here. Now it’s playing around 180, which changes things dramatically. At this range it’s an automatic 3 wood for me, and I’m usually pretty handy with it off the tee. I could have tried my 3 iron to see how far I hit it, but habit took over. I tee it up and let fly, aiming for the huge bunker to allow for the expected fade. Nope, it’s a good, clean hit and also ruler-straight, right at the bunker. I watch as it hits the sand, then with glee I note it skips the surface, flies right up the steep edge, and over! Yes! Another lucky break! I find it in the rough off the left side of the green, nearly pin high and with a nice lie. A little pop-up with my SW lands close, but a little too close and it rolls well past the hole helped by the slope of the green. I just miss the par putt, which rolls past more than I would like. It’s okay, I still manage to drain the bogey putt, to card a four. I’m stoked by now, two bogeys in a row!

Hole 7: This is the signature hole of the course. An elevated tee with a fabulous panoramic view of the valley below. The hole plays 425 from the whites, with a creek at the bottom just short of the green, which then rises sharply with a strong back-to-front slope. Long hitters really risk rolling their tee shot into the creek. Not a problem for me, of course! I play my tee shot left, knowing I’ve been slicing it badly today. It just clips a couple of leaves on the left, then arcs nicely out and right, ending up just short and right of the 150 marker. Not bad! I’m about 120 to the creek. Now, a more confident player might go for this, but I know that’s a recipe for a duff-roll right into the drink, been there/done that. I elect to lay up with a 9 iron—which I promptly duff. Now I’m only 80 from the creek and 120 to the green, and this time I decide to go for it. I select 7 iron, knowing the green is going back uphill on the other side. I duff it again! Right at the creek. Damn! Then my third lucky break of the day shows up: the creek has a wide, grassy bed and the water is only in the center of that area. My ball clears the water and is lying up in the clumpy grass, at the bottom but playable. I set up with my SW, and take a short choppy stroke at it that sticks in the rising side of the ditch. The ball takes off, and soars nearly straight up and towards the green—looks great! Alas, it comes to a stop well past the hole, and I have a long, long downhill putt for bogey. I’m pretty spooked by the slope, and leave my first putt short. Then my second. My third goes in, leaving me with a 3-putt triple bogey for the hole. Sigh. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

Hole 8: Back to reasonably level holes, albeit with one of the trickiest greens on the course. It’s kind of saddle-shaped with a strong back-to-front slope. You pretty much just try to drop it short, let it run up, and hope for the best when it stops. Playing 395 from the whites, there’s also a bit of a trend to drain right. I slice yet another drive, but have a good vantage. My 3 wood also fades just a tiny bit, but the slope catches it and it runs to the right and back off the fairway. Sigh. Gap wedge range, there’s a tree partially in the way but I can easily see the left half of the green. I clip the wedge and it feels pretty good, but I guess I still hit it fat because it arced nicely over the left side of the tree but landed well short of the green. Hmm. I don’t understand why it didn’t go further, but whatever. Next try is SW, and I drop it on the green but too far for an easy bogey putt, especially with this green. I’m proud of my lag putt, it leaves me with an easy second for a double on the hole. Okay, fair enough.

Hole 9: This is an interesting finish. Plays 405 from the whites, you’re starting uphill then it drops out of sight so your tee shot is usually landing blind unless you’re a really short hitter (or layup). The second half of the hole is all downhill, including the green, so you can expect your approach shot to drain off the back unless you stick it. I hit a respectable drive, albeit with the usual slice. This hole is thankfully wide open to the right and for my second shot I have a really good look at the green from about 190 yards out. I hit a very nice 3 wood, aimed perfectly to allow for the slight fade, and it lands and rolls right towards the green and stops close. Yes! My approach shot is the closest thing to a flop I know how to do: SW with the face open. I flip it up really nicely and it lands on the leading edge of the green right where I hoped to put it, but the slope is just too much and it rolls on past a good distance. I misread the break on my par putt and it misses left, but I easily drain the second one for bogey. Nice finish!

In the end I card a 52, and I’m really happy with it. My main issues today were slicing my driver, distance control on my chips, and missing long-ish putts. I’ve gotten pretty good at lagging them close enough for a fair shot at a second, though, and given the tricky greens on this course I’m not too unhappy with my flatstick today. I made pretty crisp contact with my irons except for the back-to-back duffs on hole seven, and for me that’s a huge improvement. I rate the day a success.