Politically Incorrect Golf Terms

Try some of these next time you’re out on the course (courtesy of one of my league mates, with a little editing of my own).

WARNING: locker room humor follows…

  • Rock Hudson – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.
  • Saddam Hussein – from one bunker into another.
  • Yasser Arafat – butt-ugly and in the sand.
  • John Kennedy Jr. – didn’t quite make it over the water.
  • Rodney King – over-clubbed.
  • O.J. – got away with one.
  • Princess Grace – should have used a driver.
  • Princess Di – shouldn’t have used a driver.
  • Condom – safe, but didn’t feel very good.
  • Brazilian – shaved the hole.
  • Rush Limbaugh – way to the right and out of bounds.
  • Keith Olbermann – see above, but for lefties.
  • James Joyce – a putt that’s impossible to read.
  • Ted Kennedy – goes in the water and jumps out.
  • Pee Wee Herman – too much wrist.
  • Sonny Bono – straight into the trees.
  • Paris Hilton – a very expensive hole.
  • Tiger Woods – wrong hole.
  • Dubya – wrong course.
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Adirondack Vacation

My wife and I just concluded four days of bliss in a little cabin on Elk Lake, in New York’s Adirondack Park. No cell coverage, no wi-fi, no real connection with the outside world–well, we did get one Yankees game score from the office, courtesy of their satellite link, but that was our single episode of weakness. We were joined by one of my brothers-in-law who, by our great good fortune, also happens to be a rather good amateur photographer. I’ll share some of the fruits of his eye here….

Meals were served at the main lodge; they provided a rather nice breakfast and a four-course dinner each day, as well as a sack lunch for you to take on your day’s adventure.

(You can click any image for a larger version.)

photo of Elk Lake Lodge

The Main Lodge

The lodge also has several (kind of small) rooms where you can stay if you don’t want to spring for a cabin.

We rented one of the several cabins available. Since there were only three of us we went for one of the smaller ones, that they call “Big Tom.” Here’s how it looks standing with your back to the lake:

Big Tom Cabin

Big Tom Cabin

The view from the front porch is simply spectacular:

Lake View from the Cabin

Lake View from the Cabin

Being among the High Peaks meant the sun peeked late over the mountain tops, and if you were up to see it the first light would illuminate a morning mist that soon burned off:

Morning Mist

Morning Mist

Sunset also came early, as the sun dipped back behind the western peaks:

Sunset on the Lake

Sunset on the Lake

The lake and its surroundings are, of course, home to an abundance of wildlife, including several loons (our favorite):

Loon on the Lake

Loon on the Lake

They were often difficult to approach but, if you were especially quiet, you could sometimes drift fairly close before they would dive under and vanish.

From a vantage point in one of the many Adirondack chairs near the dock area, again if you were quiet, one of the numerous local chipmunks or red squirrels might come up close to see what’s what.

The Ubiquitous Adirondack Chair

The Ubiquitous Adirondack Chair

Curious Squirrel

Curious Squirrel

A short walk along the lake shore is certain to turn up other local denizens, like this rather large bullfrog who could always be found somewhere in the reeds not far from the dock area:

Fly's Bane

Fly's Bane

The private preserve around Elk Lake plays host to many miles of trails, from the easy to the somewhat challenging (I’ll post up a scan of the trail map when I’ve had time to get it ready). On our first half-day there we took a 2.5 mile warm-up down to an area called (for reasons that I’m sure are obvious) Duck Hole, and then back. For our first full day we took on an eight mile jaunt down to a smaller body of water named Clear Pond, then climbed to the summit of Clear Pond Mountain (not terribly steep), and then around the pond before returning.

At the Summit of Clear Pond Mountain

My brother-in-law & I at the summit of Clear Pond Mountain. I'm wearing green.

Clear Pond, as seen from the summit

Clear Pond, as seen from the summit. That's Elk lake in the background.

On our last full day we decided to try the hike completely around Elk Lake. By adding in side trips to each of the four landings marked around the lake’s perimeter we tallied up ten miles–not bad considering until this trip we’d not hiked all year! With a stop for lunch and several rest breaks (including at the landings) the hike lasted just over seven hours, and was a blast!

Elk Lake is private, completely surrounded by land owned by the interests that also run the lodge. One of the greatest effects of that privacy is a ban on motorized boats; we place a huge premium on peace & quiet, which that ban provides in abundance. Guests are invited to use any of the several canoes and rowboats provided, and we made a point to avail ourselves of a canoe as the mood took us.

Returning to the Landing

Returning to the Landing

All in all it was a wonderful vacation! Again, thanks go out to my brother-in-law for doing such a great job capturing things on “film.”

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Just What is a “Meme,” Anyway?

I actually didn’t know the precise definition of the term, for all it’s become an eponymous meme, itself, thanks to the Internet. Then I happened to be pointed to this fascinating video lecture by Susan Blackmore over at TED.com. She not only defined the term, she placed it in a very important place in our development as a species, and went on to describe what she sees as the next, inevitable step.

Fascinating stuff. You should give it a view.

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This Just In: Prince is Clueless

I recently read an interview, a rare one granted to Peter Willis by That Artist Currently Still Known as Prince that’s tied to the pending release of his new album, “20TEN.” Now, granted, as a musical artist this guy might very well be one of the greatest creative minds of our generation. On the other hand, I believe there’s evidence to indicate he’s also a self-absorbed, heavily-insulated little so-and-so.

Here’s what he said:

Unlike most other rock stars, [Prince] has banned YouTube and iTunes from using any of his music and has even closed down his own official website.

He says: “The internet’s completely over. I don’t see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can’t get it.

“The internet’s like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good.

“They just fill your head with numbers and that can’t be good for you.”

Um, dude: I think it likely the Internet will still be around in some form long after no one remembers you or your goofy name/symbol. Further, pretty much every device and/or instrument you’ve used to make your art was conceived, designed and built by people whose heads are filled with numbers.

WTF?

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Fireworks Grand Finale, 2010

We’re fortunate enough to know some interesting people. One is an expert at setting up fireworks shows, and another has a large yard backed by a larger field, and the willingness to host a big Fourth of July bash. It was an amazing spectacle, and no huge crowds or traffic issues to deal with. Here’s an iPhone video of the Grand Finale…

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Birds of a Feather

Based on my last blog post you would probably (perhaps rightly) label me an Apple fanboi. That doesn’t mean I can’t bring the snark when I think it’s called for…

Steve Jobs and Bill Gates share a laugh

Birds of a Feather

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Selling my Soul to Steve Jobs

It all started so innocently…

The number one activity I undertake on computing devices is creating graphics. 3D modeling, animating same, web stuff, what have you. I long since realized I was sick and tired of being tied to a computer desk, though, and wanted something fresh that didn’t involve unplugging, lugging, and plugging every time I undertook a change of venue. I reasoned there had to be something better, and I was right: I discovered the concept of the “portable graphics workstation.”

Imagine a laptop. Okay, now make it a Really Big laptop. Give it a 17″ screen, a full-sized keyboard (with number pad), and make it weigh about ten pounds soaking wet. Power it with a real multi-core processor (not some mobility wannabe), a kick-ass video card (or two), lots of drive space, and a battery that might last 45 minutes on a good day. Now you’re talking!

It’s still a “laptop” in that you can, really, hold it in your lap and work–but that’s not its forte. For a rig like this you just want to be able to fold it up and schlep it to wherever you plan to work without having to do more than unplug the power cord. If you really, really need extra screen real estate you can even plug in an extra monitor (and use both), but for most purposes a 17″ screen really does work well.

The down side? What if you just want to curl up in the papasan chair and surf the web? How about sitting up in bed getting off that last forum post for the night? Yeah, still kind of big and clunky. Mobility is relative.

What did I decide?

I wanted in-one-hand mobility: I wanted a smart phone. Not to talk to people on, heaven forbid! I hate yapping on the phone. I wanted to be one of the cool people who could be sitting at a table in a restaurant and looking up something on Wikipedia to settle a question. You know: a special kind of nerd.

Being the right kind of nerd, I settled on a nice Blackberry Curve. Push email, proper buttons, geek cred, an account at crackberry.com…I was all set! Once the first flush of connectivity faded, though, chinks began to appear in my geekly suit of armor. The web browser was, well, lame. The screen was really, REALLY small. Memory issues kept a tight rein on what cool apps I could install.

What really sealed the deal was the realization that what had become one of my favorite winding-down activities at the end of the day, sitting up in bed reading various content on the device (and often responding to same), was causing some interference in the domestic tranquility department: the clicking of the keys was waking up my wife, who is a light sleeper. Once sufficient time had elapsed on my existing contract it was time to find a replacement!

What to get? I had some limitations: my contract with my existing carrier (AT&T) was still in force, so jumping ship would require shelling out more money than I was willing to spend–not to mention the fact that I (gasp!) like AT&T and have bad memories of a time when Verizon was my land line carrier. Touch screen “keys” rather than actual buttons seemed the only viable option (the irony of this fact was that real buttons was a selling point for me when I first selected the Curve; go figure), and as a bonus it appeared that a touch screen interface pretty much assured a lot more screen real estate to be had.

Okay, all things considered it seemed a no-brainer: become seduced by The Dark Side and embrace the iPhone.

Man, was I ever happy with my choice. Sure, you couldn’t install anything not Approved, but that list was so damned huge it really didn’t feel confining at all. Memory? Tens of gigabytes, all of them at my disposal. I could load the thing up with so many apps the screen would explode, and it wouldn’t even break a sweat. Browsing the web? Killer. Sure, no Flash, but I could forgive that one faux pas. Nice, big screen (or so it seemed after the Curve) and, once I disabled the sound effect, keys that were utterly, blissfully silent.

I had taken my first step towards joining the Sith. Somewhere, in one of the deepest realms of Hell, Steve Jobs cracked a tiny smile.

Of course you know what happened then…

Sure, I let my laptop languish for all but the tough graphics jobs, taking out my new toy and reveling in being able to stay connected without lugging El Grande around with me. I loaded it up with apps that I might, just maybe, use some day. I found fun games that made good use of the screen real estate and the slick touch interface. I made my first blog post sans “real” computer. The iPhone became (apart from special occasions) the last thing I touched at night and almost the first thing in the morning. “Just checking e-mail, be right down.”

Eventually, predictably, my new way of life settled into a groove. Also as predictably, I realized all was not joy in Mudville. See, with all those fancy graphics applications I use come lots of fancy user’s manuals. These days most of them come in PDF format on disk; saves money and shipping, as well as shelf space. On the laptop I could just fire up a window and refer to the manuals as needed–but I wanted to be able to read them whenever and wherever. Could the iPhone handle PDF? Heh, “There’s an app for that.” Or a dozen. Not a problem. No, the problem came with the fact that software manuals generally have illustrations. Lots of them. Illustrations that look fine until you try to view them in a screen that fits in your pocket. Zoom and pan all you want, it’s just not all that satisfying.

Another seed was planted.

Ever used the “mobility” versions of various web sites? Some of them are pretty good; others, not so much. “Crippled” seems harsh, but apt. One hallmark of the Safari browser on the iPhone is its ability to handle pretty much any standard web page (and a few non-standard ones) in its own right, so you don’t necessarily need the mobile page–but try telling the web server that. Often as not the iPhone rats you out that it’s a mobile, and you get stuck with the distant relation of the page you really wanted. Oh, and did I mention the screen size?

Yeah, that screen that was so much larger than the Curve’s began seeming cramped. Dissatisfaction, greed…to the Dark Side these will lead you.

I resisted, at first. When the hype began I told myself I wasn’t interested. I found reasons to consider it flawed…incomplete. “Wait for the new, improved versions,” I told myself. “First generation is always trial and error, and there will be others to compete.” I told myself I was happy with my chosen tool of Connectedness To All. I thought I was doing so well.

Then came the day when a co-worker brought one to work. Yeah, you knew already of which I speak, didn’t you? Sleek, shiny, wonderfully light and portable, and. That. Screen. That wondrous, full-page-sized screen. It begged you to touch it, to interact with it, to pull up page after page of techno geekitude in full-sized (and colorful) glory.

Did my eyes begin glowing red at that point? I’m not sure. All I know is I had to have it, my Prrrrreciousssssss.

Yeah, I did it: I bought an iPad. I willingly donned the shackles of Apple fanboi-dom and took my Soma like a good Citizen. Do I regret it? Hells, no. It’s a great device–calling it “magical” is hyperbole but it can be life-altering, just as the iPhone was. I’m doing daily tasks on it that were once done on the phone or on the laptop, and the experience of doing those tasks has been universally pleasant. It can’t fit in my pocket like the iPhone, but the screen real estate more than makes up for the slight decrease in portability. Some activities that on the iPhone needed “an app for that” can simply be performed on the full-featured web browser–just like a “real computer.”

Jobs, you demon, you finally got me.

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Life before Google

Got a funny one-panel cartoon in my e-mail, and I’m going to share…

Life before Google

So, to give credit where it’s due I followed the link at the bottom of the image, did a little searching, and found the original posting here.

While you’re at it, check out more of the Shoebox Blog, it’s pretty damned funny!

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Disorder in the Court!

There’s a pretty funny book by that title that’s been around for a while. Some excerpts have been making their way around the Intertubes for another while; here are a few that recently crossed my virtual desk:
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral…
________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Lights! Camera! Action!

So, in the process of learning to do broadcast-quality intros and flying logos and such, I ran through a tutorial on creating intros for things like feature films. After the initial steps were done I went back and spent a lot of time punching things up a bit and modifying to my taste. I’m rather pleased with the final result and, when that happens, I generally decide to share.

Enjoy!

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